Friday, May 14, 2004
INVESTING IN YOURSELF FIRST
"I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells around you!"
"I never seem to know what will make you happy!"
"Why can't you make up your mind?"
If you have ever made these comments or heard them from
others, then you know how exasperating this kind of
relationship can be, whether it is a personal or business
relationship. Never being really sure where you stand with
the other person leads to this problem. Either you are not
being clear or the other person is holding back. And often
the reason for the reticence is fear of appearing selfish.
Especially among women there is a fear that if she speaks
up about her desires, or dares to put her needs first, she
will appear selfish and unloving, or worse yet, aggressive.
Not wanting to rock the boat, the woman holds back her own
opinion, only later to find that her husband, coworkers,
even employees are mad at her. I have had more than one
husband complain that he would love to know what his wife's
opinion was on the subject. Because he doesn't know where
she stands, decisions are unclear and projects are stalled.
A side effect of being "nice" but unclear is that the woman
often develops resentments because she is not being
recognized. These resentments grow and do not go unnoticed
by others. Unfortunately others do not know why she is
annoyed, but do feel as if they are walking on eggshells
around her. If the spouse, friends, coworkers or employees
are not able to cut through the communication problem, they
may also begin to hold back for fear of an argument. Then no
one knows what anyone wants or what is going on. Obviously
this is not good for relationships especially in a marriage.
The reason this problem is more common for women than men is
that women are more concerned about maintaining balance in
their relationships. Unfortunately most women tire
themselves out trying to keep everything in balance, when a
few shakeups are in order. For example, in one study the
researchers found that career women are very reluctant to
change things in their work environment if it will upset
their spouse, their employees or their customers. Instead
these women just do more and more and more to accommodate
the wishes of others, growing more tired, annoyed and
depressed as time goes by.
While balance is a nice goal, it is not always the way to
get there. In order to keep creativity alive, there are many
changes and corrections that need to be made along the way.
Maintaining the status quo may mean stagnation.
The best gift you can give people you care about and work
with is to be clear with them about your goals and desires.
Even if they don't agree with you or don't like your goals,
at least they know where you stand. Nothing is hidden. The
agenda is on the table and negotiations can proceed. It also
may be that your difference of opinion is just what is
needed to be more profitable and productive.
Remember when you were a small child and got a new dress or
a new toy or accomplished a new feat like tying your shoes?
Weren't you excited about the acquisition? Didn't you want
to share it with others and watch their faces light up too?
Didn't you feel proud? Those days have long gone and we have
been socialized to hide many of our accomplishments and
opinions because they may not be acceptable, especially if
you are a woman. But it is very important to put your true
self out there or you will confuse others and deprive them
of your talents.
Here's another way to look at it. Most people spend their
paycheck and if there is anything left other, they may put
it into savings or invest it. The problem is that there is
usually nothing left over to save each payday. The advice of
many financial planners is to put money into savings first
and then adapt your budget to live on what's left. With this
latter method you are much more likely to actually save
money and create wealth.
Just as with saving money, it is equally important to put
yourself first (or invest in yourself first). By putting
yourself first, by letting people know what you want and who
you are, you are investing in yourself in a way that will
pay off tremendously.
People won't have to walk on eggshells around you. They will
know what your talents are and how to benefit by them. You
will surround yourself with people who appreciate you
instead of people who need you to appreciate them. This
creates an energizing flow between people, just as wealth
invested, creates more wealth.
Copyright © 2000 Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.
Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist with
over twenty-five years of experience as a marriage & family
therapist. Visit her website -http://www.self-helpcentral.com,
for more of her practical self-help advice. Sign up for her
free ezine for the latest self-help information and special
discounts on wellness products at
http://www.self-helpcentral.com/newsletter.htm.
Cool blog
"I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells around you!"
"I never seem to know what will make you happy!"
"Why can't you make up your mind?"
If you have ever made these comments or heard them from
others, then you know how exasperating this kind of
relationship can be, whether it is a personal or business
relationship. Never being really sure where you stand with
the other person leads to this problem. Either you are not
being clear or the other person is holding back. And often
the reason for the reticence is fear of appearing selfish.
Especially among women there is a fear that if she speaks
up about her desires, or dares to put her needs first, she
will appear selfish and unloving, or worse yet, aggressive.
Not wanting to rock the boat, the woman holds back her own
opinion, only later to find that her husband, coworkers,
even employees are mad at her. I have had more than one
husband complain that he would love to know what his wife's
opinion was on the subject. Because he doesn't know where
she stands, decisions are unclear and projects are stalled.
A side effect of being "nice" but unclear is that the woman
often develops resentments because she is not being
recognized. These resentments grow and do not go unnoticed
by others. Unfortunately others do not know why she is
annoyed, but do feel as if they are walking on eggshells
around her. If the spouse, friends, coworkers or employees
are not able to cut through the communication problem, they
may also begin to hold back for fear of an argument. Then no
one knows what anyone wants or what is going on. Obviously
this is not good for relationships especially in a marriage.
The reason this problem is more common for women than men is
that women are more concerned about maintaining balance in
their relationships. Unfortunately most women tire
themselves out trying to keep everything in balance, when a
few shakeups are in order. For example, in one study the
researchers found that career women are very reluctant to
change things in their work environment if it will upset
their spouse, their employees or their customers. Instead
these women just do more and more and more to accommodate
the wishes of others, growing more tired, annoyed and
depressed as time goes by.
While balance is a nice goal, it is not always the way to
get there. In order to keep creativity alive, there are many
changes and corrections that need to be made along the way.
Maintaining the status quo may mean stagnation.
The best gift you can give people you care about and work
with is to be clear with them about your goals and desires.
Even if they don't agree with you or don't like your goals,
at least they know where you stand. Nothing is hidden. The
agenda is on the table and negotiations can proceed. It also
may be that your difference of opinion is just what is
needed to be more profitable and productive.
Remember when you were a small child and got a new dress or
a new toy or accomplished a new feat like tying your shoes?
Weren't you excited about the acquisition? Didn't you want
to share it with others and watch their faces light up too?
Didn't you feel proud? Those days have long gone and we have
been socialized to hide many of our accomplishments and
opinions because they may not be acceptable, especially if
you are a woman. But it is very important to put your true
self out there or you will confuse others and deprive them
of your talents.
Here's another way to look at it. Most people spend their
paycheck and if there is anything left other, they may put
it into savings or invest it. The problem is that there is
usually nothing left over to save each payday. The advice of
many financial planners is to put money into savings first
and then adapt your budget to live on what's left. With this
latter method you are much more likely to actually save
money and create wealth.
Just as with saving money, it is equally important to put
yourself first (or invest in yourself first). By putting
yourself first, by letting people know what you want and who
you are, you are investing in yourself in a way that will
pay off tremendously.
People won't have to walk on eggshells around you. They will
know what your talents are and how to benefit by them. You
will surround yourself with people who appreciate you
instead of people who need you to appreciate them. This
creates an energizing flow between people, just as wealth
invested, creates more wealth.
Copyright © 2000 Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.
Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist with
over twenty-five years of experience as a marriage & family
therapist. Visit her website -http://www.self-helpcentral.com,
for more of her practical self-help advice. Sign up for her
free ezine for the latest self-help information and special
discounts on wellness products at
http://www.self-helpcentral.com/newsletter.htm.
Cool blog
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